I felt this way quite a bit before starting hrt. Knowling that I’d need to be boymode for months if not years, and how that might make me feel fake or give me extra anxiety, whatever.

When it came down to it, I barely think about things like that, 7 months into it. The bodily changes are really whats dictating me changing my clothes - i have small boobs now, so I’m having to buy some sort of item (bra) to stop the nips from rubbing on shirts which now kind of hurts. My “boypants” don’t fit because my waist has risen from where it was to a more feminine position, so very soon I will just have to get more “gender neutral” fitting pants. My balls have shrunk to a degree that my old boxer briefs seem pointless, so I’m thinking about moving towards diff undergarments.

Essentially, I just feel like at this point my transition is about me, how I feel and how much I and my gf are enjoying watching the transformation happen. Its a private thing. And that’s made me a LOT more confident in terms of knowing that I’m doing the right thing.

One more thing - I was heavily into makeup and dressing fem to go out, but the second it became… I guess… “real”, it meant more to me that people didn’t oggle me and I could continue to sort of peacefully exist and drift by. Everyone is different, but honestly the knowledge that it’s nobodys fuxking business what I do has allowed me a ton of freedom and the ability to separate my personal journey from “society”. Not recommending it for everyone and I 100% support being bold and out straight away, but I am also a supporter of taking it slow and evaluating it with those who matter if only because it’s helped me a LOT over the past 7 mos, and I want to remind people that it’s an option too.

I will add to the other excellent comments here: there are no perfect times. Waiting for everything to align just so will prevent everything from ever happening. Pick a goal and start it. Now. It seems like you took the first step, so congratulations! I’m not bitter about it, but I am an example of what happens when you wait for perfect alignment. You may wake up one day and say “why did I let the last decade go by in a fog instead of taking action” and regret missing some of your best years living as the real you. Don’t wait for any conditions, just improve the ones you have as you go.

I haven’t earned that

Stop right there. You have a medical condition that needs treatment. No one earns medical care, it’s a necessity.

I agree with everything the other commenter said, thrift your clothes, and start with simple makeup. It will help you familiarize with women’s clothing sizes (they are nebulous), and what styles you enjoy. The more time you have practicing eyeliner, eye shadow blending, and blush placement, the better it will look when you’re ready to wear it in public and the more confident you will feel. I used to just sit with YouTube makeup tutorials and practice with them until I found things I liked

Some advice that’s helped me is this: Stop saying “should”. “Should” implies that there is some objectively correct action to take in your situation, but there isn’t. Ask yourself if an action aligns with the kind of person that you want to be. You can absolutely do any of these things if you believe they align with your personal values, but you don’t NEED to do anything. Without that pressure of trying to perform correctly to meet some external criteria, you can decide what you want to do based on your own values.

Anyway, I might not be describing the concept clearly, but I hope it’s something that can help you.