Alcohol, weed, shrooms, 2C-E, and DMT.
Alcohol is fun. I dont really have a problem moderating. I have a large stature and passively tend to pace myself around others so I tend to be slightly more sober than whoever I’m drinking with. I will very rarely drink alone.
Weed is alright. A little trickier to get a hold of if I want some for myself. I think it may just be that my tolerance is low but it gives me problems with racing thoughts and paranoia, and weirdly of late, racing heartrate. In the last few years I’ve needed to do mindfulness exercises while high in order to keep my head right. I simply cannot partake in social or public situations, the problems outlined being magnified. Last couple of times I did, I ended up having panic attacks. If I can keep a lid on things, a quiet evening at home alone, stoned and watching movies or cooking something slightly fancy can be very enjoyable.
I LOVE shrooms. I’ve done them I think four times and every time it was an absolute blast. First time my friends and I watched Fern Gully first, then switched over to Team America World Police after we peaked. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder, before or since. I genuinely had concern at some points that my life was in danger from how brain meltingly hard I was laughing. Every other time it just turned an average afternoon into a big fun adventure, made me feel better about my place and trajectory at the time, and just happy. Id love to get a hold of some more to do them with my current friend group.
2C-E was… weird. Technically my first psychedelic actually. It was kind of giggly for a while coming up and I remember food tasting really good, but I ended up having some slightly disturbing visual hallucinations after peaking. For some reason someone in the group wanted to watch the Walking Dead and it was the episode in the second season where they have to clear out all the zombies in Herschel’s barn. Everyone’s faces were in like extra 3D and I got freaked out at one point thinking the zombies were going to come out of the screen. Also I distinctly remember thinking my kinesthetic sense had identified my internal organs, like I could map out my guts and tell where my spleen was and stuff. I’d probably do it again having done other psychedelics since but considering how rare it is and the oddness of my only experience I have no motivation to seek it out.
I accidentally did a heroic hit of DMT and massively dissociated, experienced ego-death, got swallowed up in the wormhole and was bare-face confronted with the absurdity of my own consciousness by the machine elves in the 9th dimensional slipgate of the causal firmament. As a nihilist it’s the closest thing I’ve had to a religious experience, before or since. It doesn’t last long if you smoke it like we did; you peak within a minute and come down within like 15 minutes, but man it felt like hours I was out there. I can’t imagine being on ayahuasca for 8 hours+ real time. That one hit of DMT I genuinely feel affected my worldview and character as an adult more than maybe any one other experience I’ve had, and I must say for the better. For probably a year afterward I just felt a glow, and connection to everything, I felt like I was more in tune with my emotions, I could make my brain do things I had trouble with before, I just felt more alive. I don’t believe it’s a miracle drug and like anyone else hearing someone wax poetic about a wild trip they had my eyes glase over at the thought, but I will say: if the stars align, you get access to DMT, maybe have a bit of experience with other psychedelics, are in a healthy social situation, and feel you can keep your head above water, fucking go for it. There’s a leap of faith aspect to it but never in my life would I take back that experience I had. In truth I’d love to do it again, if I were able to track it down, and maybe even send some to the lab for testing.
I also wanna try acid (LSD), but it’s famously difficult to get ahold of in my area. I’m hopeful once weed goes federal the dealers will switch to psychedelics and I’ll be able to prock but cest la vie until then, I guess.
Have you asked yourself wether it’s truly something you want for yourself, or instead, perhaps a feeling that you’re behind on some social benchmark? I ask because I’m 33 with a relatively similar experience, but when a woman I dated told me she thought I might be asexual, when I did the research and asked myself these questions I realized I was operating entirely on the supposition that I’m ‘normal’, and not that the urges to be in relationships and have sex likely stemmed from a perceived social obligation.
Once I realized that in my heart of hearts I’ve never actually experienced an urge to have sex with another person, I embraced an asexual identity. Without sex as a motivator, I soon realized I didn’t even experience romantic attraction.
Some folks think this is sad, but in truth I’m so much happier and carefree, without the pressures to fit into a mold that doesn’t actually fit me, much less the stresses of maintaining a relationship.