My wife found out Saturday through an ancestry.com DNA test that her dad is not her actual biological father. Her mother had a supposed one time incident with a man she found on Facebook through the names on the ancestry test. Her parents separated when she was 6. She wasn’t close with her dad over the years, but there was nothing ugly about it. Now she has been getting closer with him. She doesn’t want to tell him that he’s not her biological father, as that would hurt the relationship.

I told her she needs to tell him, because honesty is a building block of a relationship and that he’s still her father. If he finds out through the test that he took too (and didn’t put it together that she’s not his), then he will be devastated that she didn’t say anything. My question is, should she tell him or not?

I’ll support her decision either way, but I think honesty is the right thing. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing. I understand that her Dad, who raised her, will always be her true father to her.

  • puppetx@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    8
    ·
    1 year ago

    “her dad is not her actual biological father”

    Who cares. he is her dad.

    But seriously, while pedantic I think differentiating between “dad” and “father” is part of the solution here. Your title leans into one of the most abrasive ways she could break the news (I know that wasn’t a proposed phrasing). “Your my dad, I love you, but turns out your not my bilogical father” is much more palatable way to break the news, and puts the focus on what’s actually important.

    Either way, as you said, it’s her decision. Even if agreement from us commenters is unanimous she should chuck out all our opinions and do what she thinks is right.

    • Melon@lemmy.world
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      0
      arrow-down
      2
      ·
      1 year ago

      Except if he finds out later that she was hiding this from him deliberately that could be excruciatingly hurtful. Whereas telling him now, I think, is more likely to play out as a “I just found out but you’re still my dad regardless of genetics” thing.

      • Navi1101@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        3
        ·
        1 year ago

        Idk I feel like most dads would accept “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid it would change our relationship, when I really love what we have now and don’t want to lose it, and when no matter what the genes say, I’ll always think of you and love you as my dad” as a valid excuse.

  • Rusticus@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    4
    ·
    1 year ago

    Don’t tell. If he finds out she can say she already knew but doesn’t care because it changes nothing Dad.

  • wjrii@kbin.social
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    3
    ·
    1 year ago

    This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy. As painful as it is, there’s just no good way to keep a secret like this once the genie is out of the bottle. There are too many ways for it to click for Dad, and too many different vectors for the information to make it to him even if he doesn’t piece things together.

    Only she can make the decision and only she knows her dad, but OP’s wife should probably have a private conversation with him and explain that the test is not wrong, with sensitivity and emotional truth. Of course he’ll be hurt and embarrassed. He might be angry, but by hiding it, especially when he’s interested in AncestryDNA (which, btw, is rock solid at this scale), she’d just be adding onto the list of people who’ve lied to him and who decided they were equipped to make decisions for him. She’s just hoping to play kick the can until he dies, and that’s no way to have an honest relationship with someone you love.

    The toolset available to those who want to be unfaithful has simply shrunk in the last 10-20 years. There is a lot of family hurt that is coming out due to it, and IMHO it is a fool’s errand to try to deny it exists, rather than mitigate it with love and empathy.

  • Cinner@lemmy.worldB
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    3
    ·
    edit-2
    1 year ago

    There are some things you should sleep on for a night.

    And there are some things you should sleep on for a month.

    Then there is this.

  • SoPunny@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    3
    ·
    1 year ago

    If he took a test at the same time, and knows she did as well, won’t he be asking about the results?

    I think she should tell him, but also stress that to her she is his Dad, and if she isnt intending on tracking down her biological donor she should make that clear also. He was the one there throughout the years, he is the one trying to make an effort now. It sounds like she loves him and is afraid of losing him, give her some time to absorb and process. Maybe she could talk to a therapist to help her sort this out, and for tips on the best language to use etc?

    I mean I’m estranged from my father and I would be having big feeling finding out something like this.

    • JoumanaKayrouz@lemmy.worldOP
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      4
      ·
      1 year ago

      He did ask. She matched with her mom’s side, he matched with his side. She matched with people neither of them have ever heard of and he thinks it’s some sort of error. I think it’s so unbelievable to him that it’s not even a possibility in his brain.

      • SoPunny@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        3
        ·
        1 year ago

        Oof, that’s sad. I think she needs to tell the truth and that she is afraid of paying the price and losing her father, no matter the dna, because her mom was stupid enough to not only cheat, but to do it unprotected.

        I have a lot of sympathy for all of you, except her mother. I also think he may be afraid, or just in denial but that doesn’t mean he will stay that way. She owes him the truth, even though it was never her lie or responsibility.

  • ttenborough@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    2
    ·
    1 year ago

    The honest truth is… It doesn’t matter. Being a dad/father is not the same as being a genetic donor.

    Your wife is not the cheater here and has no obligation to say anything. Again, because it doesn’t matter.

    The easy thing is to immediately tell him. The hard thing is to let the past stay in the past. If he finds out on his own means, and cares enough to roach the topic, it’s a great time to have the conversation about what a father is.

      • InsomniacKS@lemmy.world
        link
        fedilink
        English
        arrow-up
        3
        ·
        1 year ago

        Dude, you focused on 1 sentence and missed the point.

        #1 It is Your WIFE’S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.

        #2 Your wife knows her dad better than you do. Trust her.

        #3 Biology does not make a parent. She believes her genetics is irrelevant to her relationship with her father. She’s probably right. Odds are that he’s suspected she’s biologically not his for a while anyway.

        #4 He took the test, too. He knows. Knowing that she knows and is still seeking him out as though nothing has changed probably means the world to him. No need to confront something they both are ignoring.

        #5 Your wife is a full-grown, functioning adult with a mature relationship with her father. She can make these decisions without your assistance. Quit it.

        Also, if you undermine this and leak it in any way, she has every right to leave you. This could be divorce-worthy behavior.

        Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.

        • JoumanaKayrouz@lemmy.worldOP
          link
          fedilink
          English
          arrow-up
          1
          ·
          edit-2
          1 year ago

          I am staying out of her relationship. She did ask for advice. I’m not going to leak anything. I just offered my advice of honesty.

          I already acknowledged the rest of those points numerous times in this thread. I feel like you are projecting some sort of controlling husband traits onto me.

  • TheKrzyk@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    2
    ·
    1 year ago

    I think the question she should ask herself is what’s the cost. What it will cost him, if she insists on pursuing. Apparently they somehow already discussed the topic (since he did ask her about the results), it’s already “not even a possibility in his brain” that she’s not his bio (or he’s really pulling an IDGAF), so is it really worth digging further and forcing him to acknowledge that it’s “not an error”?

    • JoumanaKayrouz@lemmy.worldOP
      link
      fedilink
      English
      arrow-up
      1
      arrow-down
      1
      ·
      1 year ago

      Imagine if your child finds out and you’ve lied to him 20 years. It might matter to him. I know if I found out that my parents weren’t my biological parents and they didn’t tell me that I would be devastated. Of course her Dad will always be her Dad, but that doesn’t make it hurt less.

          • 🦥󠀠󠀠󠀠󠀠󠀠󠀠@lemmy.world
            link
            fedilink
            English
            arrow-up
            0
            ·
            1 year ago

            I’m a disabled veteran and rely on her to look after me. I’ll be in a cardboard box on the side of a road without her or dead probably. Things aren’t always as simple as they seem.

            If my son finds out I’ll just say it was a shock to me too.

            • sirkook@lemmy.world
              link
              fedilink
              English
              arrow-up
              0
              ·
              edit-2
              1 year ago

              It’s a father’s job to protect their kids, and though this probably means little from an internet stranger, I think you’re doing a good job. Your son is lucky to have you. Revealing the truth does nothing for your son, and it doesn’t change the past. Sometimes it’s okay to let the past die.

  • blueskiesoc@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    No.

    What good will come of it? What bad will come of it?

    I can’t think of a good, but for a bad he could have his heart broken.

    He’s her dad. He raised her. Anything else is unimportant after this.

    If he finds out and asks her, that is the answer.

    You are my dad.”

  • Jo@readit.buzz
    link
    fedilink
    arrow-up
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    If he took the test too, he knows about it. If he wants to talk about it, he will. And if he wants to know why she didn’t raise it, it’s because he is still her dad.

    • Maeve@kbin.social
      link
      fedilink
      arrow-up
      3
      ·
      1 year ago

      My supposedly biological father refused to even take a dna test with me. We aren’t close, he doesn’t even call. But when I asked him to take the test with me when we were lay together, he said, “At any rate, you’re mine now and it doesn’t matter.” I appreciated that.

  • lntl@lemmy.sdf.org
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    1
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    I don’t think so. It doesn’t do anything except confirm mom cheated and that he didn’t create a life. Let the past live in the past and be a close, loving family today.

  • dan1101@lemmy.world
    link
    fedilink
    English
    arrow-up
    1
    arrow-down
    1
    ·
    1 year ago

    The truth is usually the right answer, and I think it is in this case too. However she should consider how it would affect her mother too.